I have been in love, truly, with one person my entire adult life it seems. A person who sees me for who and what I am, doesn't judge me and clearly "gets" me. Someone who I have had ups and downs with, someone who has treated me, at times, with less than the respect I deserve. A person that I can talk to ( or listen to ) for hours on end without ever experiencing boredom or any awkward silence. On the other hand, that same person and I can say nothing to each other and know exactly what the other is thinking. She is someone who my mind conjures up whenever I hear any number of songs...okay, every song that has to do with something meaningful. She is the person that everyone since her has had to compete with in my mind and, more importantly, my heart. Looking back now, no one ever stood a chance in that competition...and for that, I apologize to every woman that has unknowingly had to deal with that.
I didn't set out to fall in love with her, not for a minute. I just...did. It was easy, too, as I have looked back on it over the years. She is an amazing individual, both inside and out. She is kind, giving, caring, beautiful and deserves every bit of good that can come to someone. Her grasp of the art of sarcasm and ability to understand mine is unmatched. Her sense of humor and just plain silliness is like nothing I have ever experienced. Her acceptance and love of who she is, coupled with her way of expressing it is amazing. I have never felt so at ease - physically, mentally and every way in between - than I have with her. Nor have I ever wanted to be a part of someone's happiness like I did her's. She is also the only person that I can't shut up about or keep to myself how I feel. I will tell any and everyone how amazing she is and what she means to me. I truly enjoy everything about her. Even the bad moments.
Meeting her and learning about her was interesting and welcomed every chance I got. Every story, from her or her Mother or siblings was just more of her I got to know about her. I gladly soaked up every bit that I could...all the while building our own stories, experiences and memories together. She is my closest friend and I am truly blessed to have had her in my life. While I may have lost her from time to time...she was never truly gone. Not from my heart. Not even when she hit me with her car...or the second time, for that matter.
Maybe it was timing, maybe it was something else...but we weren't meant to stay "together" and forced ourselves to be apart. It pained me to see her with other people, to endure not having her at my side or on the other end of the phone when I needed her ( or being her "go to" when she needed someone )...but it was a reality. Then, after some time had gone by...she got married. Outside of pulling something from a movie and showing up at the ceremony to put a stop to it and whisk her away...there was nothing I could do. Don't think I didn't consider it, either. The only thing that stopped me was my ego and the fear of being rejected. Not making an attempt is one of my life's biggest regrets, while I am being honest. Not having tried is, honestly, something that I look back on in anger with myself. In the end, though, love doesn't save the day...nor does it seem to be enough to make things "right".
This became the soundtrack to my life...
Now, years later, I find myself falling in love with her all over again. Which is strange, due to the fact that I never fell "out of love" with her. She asked me recently when we "ended"...and, for the life of me, I can't remember because it never did. Every ounce of every feeling I have ever had for her remains fully intact. My heart still gushes for her and my mind is still filled with the greatest of thoughts and memories of her - even the bad ones make me think of her fondly. Hearing her laugh, and she isn't capable of faking a laugh, is still something that makes me smile even thinking of it, let alone hearing it. She still means everything to me after all this time...and always will. And when I say "falling in love" with her...I don't mean reminiscing over years gone by, I mean falling in love with her like we had never met before. Almost, and I might not be explaining this right, as if I am rediscovering her all over again. All of the intimate things I know, and the experiences we have shared are all, somehow, new to me. Every story, every joke, every conversation, every text we exchange is exciting and amazing...like it was when we met.
After not seeing her for the first time more than 6 years, recently, it was like we had just seen each other the day before. Nothing had changed - nothing. Her smell, her touch, her eyes when she looked at me...all the same. Her voice when she whispered to me, the way she immediately held my hand, the way she kissed me - all exactly the same, like only a few minutes had gone by. I knew that I missed her, but was sorely reminded of how much I loved her. More importantly, how much I want her back.
I love her with everything I have, and parts of me that I am only reminded exist because of her. She owns my heart and my mind without question...and I will adore her until the end of my time here in this life. This is my love letter to her, here, in public...for the world to see.
